Tasers - can we send them

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Posted: Sun Feb 17, 2008 12:51 am

I wish to state a disclaimer first before you read this. Its my first post here not supposed to be scam related. After you read this I think you will agree that we need to send these to the lads with the 'proper' instructions. A friend emailed to me and after a hard day of baiting we all need a good laugh. Warning some of may need to wipe the tears of laughter from your face as I did.

mod: If this is the wrong forum for this its cool to place it where it needs to be.

I hope everyone enjoys this.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this. Now whether this is true or not I don't know. However I must admit I know two people who would do this... you know who you are

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO
COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
Button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the
Blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??

AWESOME!!!?
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
The face of her microwave!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some
assurance that it would work as advertised Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the
while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less
than 3/4
inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy,
bitsy
triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one- second
burst
From such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
to
Give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs
to
my naked thigh, pushed the button and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and

over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again,
stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
Note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap
yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be
considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the
fireplace.
How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples
were still twitching My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward
for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

419Eater is my life Joined: 18 May 2007 Posts: 428

I am SO getting a pocket taser...

EDIT: No, not for ME, silly.

Posted: Sun Feb 17, 2008 2:19 am

Why invest all that money in tasers and shipping charges when the lads already have the necessary equipment right there? All they need is a bent coat hanger and the nearest electrical outlet. Smile

419Eater is my life Joined: 18 May 2007 Posts: 428

We don't want to kill them. Not, that is, unless they have a wife who is interested in shipping his $12,000,000 to the US... Twisted Evil

Posted: Sun Feb 17, 2008 7:41 am

Quote:

Now whether this is true or not I don't know...

Urban legend I think. Google "Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop" and you will see what I mean. The wife's name changes more times than my underwear. Shocked

http://www.emmitsburg.net/humor/archives/funny_stories/funny_stories_10.htm

WAY TOO COOL!

Posted: Sun Feb 17, 2008 8:26 am

^^^That may be so, but the first time I saw that, I nearly pissed my pants. Hilarious!

Posted: Sun Feb 17, 2008 10:15 am

Snopes rates it as Undetermined:

http://www.snopes.com/humor/follies/taser.asp

Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 11:10 am

I bet this guy used to put his tongue on those little 9v square batteries as a kid!

Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 11:35 am

True or not, made me laff on a Monday now that takes some effort, frickin hilarious ! After wiping away the tears I can now see my work mates looking at me like this blokes cat Wink

Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 2:32 pm

Speaking as an ex-electrician who, during his apprenticeship, was pulled from a 415-volt busbar he'd attached himself to by a workmate, I can confirm that electricity hurts like hell. Actually, hurts is not really a strong enough word. It's like being on fire all over, while someone pounds at every nerve ending in your body with a pneumatic drill and overly bright lights explode in your head. It burns holes in skin, too. Once bitten, twice very shy. Tasers can be lethal, particularly when used on anyone with a heart problem. They should be a last resort.

Theoretically, they ought to be safe-ish but painful, as intended. Although the battery voltage is stepped up by the taser circuitry to thousands of volts, the current is very low. 50,000 taser volts is much less lethal than 240 home mains volts.

Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 3:19 pm

I think it's an urban legend, but the thought of a lad testing a taser on himself is friggin' hilarious Laughing

Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 3:31 pm

Fishhead thought it might be just an urban legend, too Laughing

Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 4:14 pm

i'll vouch FOR the power of those little hand tasers... ive been zapped with one before... i took about a hour to put my eyeballs back into my head

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